Teenage Kids...Heeeeeeeeelp!!!!!!

A favorite topic of many, what do you do with that teenage kid. They've got hormones just jumping like a frat pledge with a hot foot. They are constantly working it to assert an image they've seen in their latest favorite movie. And they've seen lots of movies lately. Their relationships are hot and cold and hot again. In some cases they are highly motivated but in areas that leave us worried. Other times they won't budge, burdened with proud apathy, unwilling to jump into the meat grinder of competition for work, high grades, etc. They are our teens and we love em just the same; and yet they drive us to drink at times.

They might say the same about us....driving them to drink that is. Of course it wouldn't really require a driver at that age, it's more like a short putt. The temptation to do stupid things is a constant. We should know. We all have heard the saying, "Good judgment comes from experience....experience comes from bad judgment." In other words, we'd love to protect them from their mistakes, but the mistakes are essential to their growth.

When I was a kid, as many in the 40 something to 50 something range might say, my parents didn't make it to every little league game. In fact, I'd ride my bike to the rec center and play because I couldn't wait to play. And the same applied to most of our activities. Our parents role was to get us there, not watch and critique every moment. I made a million mistakes along the way, most of which I had to deal with. But with each one we learn a little something.

It is harder in my opinion for today's youth. They have been micromanaged in many cases since they were in diapers. They didn't beg their way into ice hockey at age 4??? Seriously. And as they learn the games and garner endless attention from Mom and or Dad, they trod forward under the disguise that this was their choice.

So when they hit their middle to late teens, whatever they've become is a product of what we've done. Sure their are other influences and we can't take responsibility for every choice they made but on the other hand, we didn't exactly set them up for lots of experience choosing either.

One thing I will never do is proclaim that I have parenting figured out nor do I have the key to unlock motivation for a teenage boy or girl. I am challenged daily by the same things everyone else is. From wishing my son were more motivated to get good grades to others in sports, I examine my choices and celebrate success and mourn failures.

One thing I have learned is that when I really try to listen with empathy to a young adult, I get further than I would if I didn't. I and others are so prone to sharing our autobiography with them that we lose them. I find myself stopping when I hear him or her say, "You don't understand." I then reflect back and say "Here is what I understand, I heard you say you...., and that you feel.... and that their is a lot of pressure because.... and that you are not motivated as a result of .... " And then I stop. I look at him. And it is his turn. I might even throw in, "Did I get it right?" Notice that none of this was judging, none of it was prescribing, and none of it was about me.

Sometimes it takes a while to get this down. I so want to share my experiences with my teens. And I try to over and over again with little if any success. It is only when I listen that they feel understood at all and it is from there, that listening actually begins.

Try it the next time you are dealing with a troubled teen. No guarantee that you will solve all the issues, but your relationship will improve and you will improve your connection.

Let me know if you have any teen communication challenges, stories or successes you'd like to share. There has to be a million of them. And you young adults, let's hear it from your end. What do you respect most out of conversations with other adults, friends, etc?

I'd like to see less of...I'd like to see more of....

This post is meant to be a starting point. I'll share a couple things I'd like to see less of and a few things I'd like to see more of... Then I'd like some others to join in. Everyone has something they'd like to see less of and more of; so here's your chance. Tell the World or hold your tongue.

I'd like to see (and hear) less people say "hold your tongue..." and other cliches like, "low hanging fruit", "path forward", "it's all about the people" etc.

I'd like to see (hear) more people just say what they really think and not filter it through societal expectations, political correctness, etc.

I'd like to see more people smile and say hi! Why pick and choose? Last time I checked there was no minimum allocation of good will to be shared with others. The person you say hi to might have just had their day made by your small gesture.

I'd like to see less stone faces, seriousness, and judgement. At times I feel like an old eastern block country where we need to check in with the government to see how many minutes we get to smile today. We live in the greatest country in the World, and with all its faults we get so many choices that others do not. And if all that fails, how about just taking in the gifts that are free, the air, the trees, the lakes, the innocence of kids, ice cream sundaes, really good coffee, really bad coffee but great company...its all good. Soak some of it up; its just waiting to get noticed.

I'd like to see more careless joy. Shouting to the heavens just for the heck of it. Stomping in puddles and getting soakers and not bitching about it. Walking in the rain on a warm summer day...and not bitching about it. Marvelling at the beauty of winter, the snow on the branches and staying out too long until your toes feel numb...then bitching about it, but then taking a hot bath or shower and realizing how awesome it feels. Hanging out with kids and trying to figure out their logic and laughing when you can't.

I'd like to see less protocol, rules, policies, restrictions...I just don't like people telling me what to do. I'd definitely like to see less Robert's Rules of Order. I hate that shit. I don't like to make motions and I don't want to be recognized just so I can have the floor. What would I do with it anyway? I drive bureaucrats crazy when I make a motion and then wait a few moments and second my own motion...

I'd like to see more common courtesy. I won't give you my floor, but if you have something to say, I'd like to listen. If we are all so rude that we need some parliementary rules to govern our movements...well that's just wrong. And I do second that motion.

I'd like to see less reality shows.

I'd like to see more reality.

I'd like to see less texting and more talking.

I'd like to see someone read my non-verbal communication through a blackberry.

I'd like to see more politicians being civil and actually thinking win-win...on second thoughts, no I wouldn't.

I'd like to see less politicians. In fact, I don't want to see them at all.

Hey, this was fun. You've got to try it. Let your mind go, have some fun with it. Thhink of it as a mental freestyle run. What would you like to see less of and more of?

Dealing with Anger

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20091203/sc_livescience/studyrevealstheangriestamericans

Check out this link regarding the sources of anger study done in Toronto. Note that interpersonal relationship problems at work is among the top three sources. In addition, those with less education, those with children and of course those with time constraints and economic pressure are feeling the pain.

For years business has referred to communication skills as "soft skills" training. "Soft" as opposed to "hard" or skills that business people have believe are directly attributable to performance. I am already starting to laugh at the notion. Let's give everyone finance skills which they promptly forget or maybe we should laden spreadsheets and research upon them showing how to cut costs and re-engineer... And yet, survey after survey will reveal that communication continues to be the number one thorn in the side of companies and directly or indirectly the source of low performance.

Follow this train of thought. The leaders meet for days and forge their strategy. They then take about 15 minutes to communicate it to the masses if that. Other times they rely on a trickle down that is also cut to a fraction of time. Is it any wonder that folks down the chain do not grab on to that strategy and give it a big hug.

The next step then is to design work and manage it closely to make sure these people who arent' as engaged, do what needs to be done. This authoritarian style is mocked when backs are turned, and gets some results, but falls woefully short of what they could get. The worst by product is a lack of trust which permeates the culture and slows the communication and performance to a crawl of what it could be.

The Corporate Leadership Council produced research that names "Honest and accurate informal feedback" as the number one driver of high performance. There is no way you can accomplish this driver without a sense of trust amongst the people of your organization.

What do you think of communication in the workplace? Is it important?

What are the biggest flaws you see in your organization from a communication standpoint and what is the effect?

Dealing with Mom

I had a wonderfully pleasant lady in a course of mine recently who was trying to implement improved listening skills. While she practiced she wrote to me asking how she could deal with someone else who just wouldn't listen. This other person would interrupt, listen to reply, and generally never give others a chance to be heard.

I referred back to the core of what I teach, which is that she can only control herself and how she responds to situations. She can't make someone else listen, she chooses how to respond to it. I said in many cases, you choose to not be around someone who is that selfish. She came to me later and divulged that the person was her Mom!!!! She added that choosing to not be around her was not a realistic choice.

So the advise shifts a bit. I asked a few questions first though, "Do you love your Mom?" Did she raise you well?" "Can you think of a list of wonderful things she had done for you over your life?" The answers came back positive. So then, I said, when you get ready to interact with her, think of all those wonderful things and how much you love her. Also acknowledge that she is old and not likely to change her communication style. In fact, she might be very lonely and just wants someone to hear her. You can serve that role for her. If she interrupts, just think to yourself, "Bless her heart, she must be so void of someone who really listens to her." And then be there for her.

It would be nice if not idealistic to think that we could coach her to interact in a more balanced way. My guess is once she is deeply understood, eventually she may do just that. But for the time being make your effort unconditional and with no expectations. You will be serving her well and why not after all the years she spent toiling on your behalf.

No Smiles at the Gym

Depressing! Yeah, downright depressing. I went to the Company fitness center today and seriously, I thought I took a wrong turn at the Gulag. The up side was that many people were there exercising after a hard day of work. But something was missing.

When I used to frequent a variety of work out facilities back in the day, the places were shakin with a friendly, happy vibe. We were workin it and this was a good thing. Whether it was someone you knew walking by to give you a nod, or someone else just glowing with motivation; you could just feel the energy.

But somewhere along the way, folks must have bought into the fact that working out still has "work" in it and therefore we don't dare become a catalyst of joy. That would be too unprofessional if not downright soft. We must put on our best "race face" and get down to business. Well, I am going to have to be the one who says, "screw that!"

Look, life is too short and we already spend a boatload of waking hours toiling for our pay. (I think that should be fun too by the way.) Exercise, in order for it to really become a habit, should be fun. And for it to be fun, you need to choose it to become fun.

From a communicative historical point of view here is what happened to bring us to the non-fun. We must understand this to move forward. First, there are people who strike up conversations with anyone at the gym. That's o.k. except that people want to get their workout in at a certain pace and rule number one is NOT to disrupt their workout. Catch people for quick conversation between sets or just a motivational comment, but never take more than their recovery period. If they are spotting someone else, they are officially busy so stick to the motivational comment of goodwill.

Second, the walkman was invented to nullify the annoying ones. People started plugging into their music and eliminating the possibility of having to talk to anyone. Great for eliminating the annoying ones, but too bad that it also eliminates all socializing at all. These were first very popular with pretty girls who got tired of being hit on by dorks. Hey, who could blame them.

So here's the thing, people go to the gym to get a workout. They have convinced themselves that they don't want to talk to anyone but that's b.s. for many. There are so many lonely people and the gym is a great place to casually meet some people with the same interest in health that you have. Aside from being respectful of people's privacy, I challenge you to get out there and at least be happy. Don't be afraid to say "hi" or "I didn't know treadmills did 20mph, dang", or something that makes the place a fun place to be even if just for that moment. People will smile in the future just when they see you coming. Isn't that great. Give it a try.

I think workouts are a great thing. But I just can't take another sullen day of pumping iron like I did today. I just can't do it. I'm going in tomorrow and I just might run down the bank of treadmills and high five the whole lot of them. I'll bet you a crispy new dollar bill that I'll get a smile out of at least 50% of those sweaty bastards. It should be a real hoot. Come on, join me, lets revolutionize this work out deal.

I'll see you at the gym.

Abundance!

I'm going to keep this one short. In life, we are taught to compete from the earliest of ages. Whether it is a parent trying to dress their little ankle biter daughter like a prom queen, or a dad tryng to make their four year old the toughest kid in day care; we learn competition before we can even spell it. Seriously, look at youth sports today; oh sure, the everyone gets a trophy has taken some of the edge off of it, but before they hit double digits the everyone gets a trophy gives way to making the "competitive" or "travelling" or "A" team. And don't think kids don't feel the anxiety their parents have over it.

And you non-athletic types aren't altogether off the hook. Competition for grades, for who gets into the best college, for first seat in the band etc. It goes on and on. There just aren't as many bloody noses involved.

So when we are all grown up and we hit the real world, how on earth do we switch gears and learn about abundance? What abundance you say?

The abundance of a good attitude. Cornnnnnnnnny! Yeah, too bad. I like it. We get to choose each and every day whether we will respond positively to what happens. That's right even when the shiz hits the fan, we have a choice to respond and the choice is ours.

How about the little things? Like walking down the hallway; do we say "hi, how's it going?" to everyone? And if not, why not? It might just make someone's day. How about smiles? Is there a limit on those too. Try it with the "hi" that I'm talking about. That will certainly make someone's day. In the end, when you see the smiles coming back, you will be the one having a good day.

My challenge to you is look at every aspect of your day. Just one day. And examine all the possibilities to show a positive attitude. Better yet, mentally go through a morning. Write down every potential opportunity to show a positive attitude. You better allow yourself some time because with a little imagination you will uncover the many possibilities. Start with the smile, the hi, a compliment...and then do it again.

A group of students at Purdue University set out one day to give out free compliments. They set up a sign and proceeded to assess every person walking by. They would take a moment and think of a genuine compliment to give before the person walked away. After interviewing a number of the recipients the jury returned with an overwhelming approval of the practice. "I thought it was strange at first and then I realized, it really felt good," said one of the recipients.

You don't have to set up a sign or booth to make this change. You just have to choose it. It is as simple as that. Good luck.

Open Door Policy...That's Funny.

I am a manager and one of my favorite sports is poking fun at managers...does that make me bad? Here's a fun one; years ago I was working with a senior executive in the paper industry. He had a reputation for riding people hard and putting them away wet if you know what I mean. I met with him to provide some much needed feedback.

My end in mind was really to help him and hopefully help the many who suffered under him. I asked him, "Who holds up your mirror?" I went on to explain that at his high level, did he get open and honest feedback from anyone? He replied sternly, "I have an open door policy!" I had to explain that a mousetrap is akin to an open door policy but after getting snapped at, if they are lucky enough to escape, they won't likely return. He looked confused and was pretty sure I was calling him a rat.

I'm not sure that guy ever was going to get it but here's the point; as a boss, even a really nice boss; people are hesitant to be critical. Why? With a mean boss, the reason is urban legend and repurcussions. With the nice boss it is the desire to keep it that way and so people rationalize their silence. So what does this mean for any of us?

There are lots of situations where we become the boss. In a marriage at times, with friends, kids, in community situations like church, groups etc. Who really holds up our mirror? And how do we get others to be mirror holders?

We have to make getting feedback a good thing. It won't feel natural at first and we will have to become keenly aware of interventions from ego, pride and other evil elements within. Subdue those buggers and try it for a week. Explain to a number of people you generally trust and admire that you would like them to be a mirror holder for you. You may even elect to have them watch for specific things you are wanting to know. And even with all that, you will have repeatedly ask for the feedback.

As a starter, you may want to select a situation, like a party, a group meeting or something with a defined time line to have others observe and report. When they give you feedback, make a hero out of them no matter what they say. Listen, listen, listen, then probe for clarity only. No explanations, no judgment. You can reserve the right to disagree if you want so the risk is really minimal. Take time to digest their words. And without ego, pride etc. see if there aren't some gold nuggets in there.

If you are really brave, solicit feedback from a critic. They might not be as nice but they'll open the fire hose given half a chance. The key here is to thank them. That will confuse the hell out of them. Then digest all the comments looking for things that might actually have merit. Who'd have thought you could mine gold from a manure pile? Think of it as fertilizer and there must be something in there to help you grow.

Feedback is one of the most talked about topics but one of the least practiced skills. Start slow and build. Let me know how it goes. You don't have to be the boss to get feedback.