Teenage Kids...Heeeeeeeeelp!!!!!!

A favorite topic of many, what do you do with that teenage kid. They've got hormones just jumping like a frat pledge with a hot foot. They are constantly working it to assert an image they've seen in their latest favorite movie. And they've seen lots of movies lately. Their relationships are hot and cold and hot again. In some cases they are highly motivated but in areas that leave us worried. Other times they won't budge, burdened with proud apathy, unwilling to jump into the meat grinder of competition for work, high grades, etc. They are our teens and we love em just the same; and yet they drive us to drink at times.

They might say the same about us....driving them to drink that is. Of course it wouldn't really require a driver at that age, it's more like a short putt. The temptation to do stupid things is a constant. We should know. We all have heard the saying, "Good judgment comes from experience....experience comes from bad judgment." In other words, we'd love to protect them from their mistakes, but the mistakes are essential to their growth.

When I was a kid, as many in the 40 something to 50 something range might say, my parents didn't make it to every little league game. In fact, I'd ride my bike to the rec center and play because I couldn't wait to play. And the same applied to most of our activities. Our parents role was to get us there, not watch and critique every moment. I made a million mistakes along the way, most of which I had to deal with. But with each one we learn a little something.

It is harder in my opinion for today's youth. They have been micromanaged in many cases since they were in diapers. They didn't beg their way into ice hockey at age 4??? Seriously. And as they learn the games and garner endless attention from Mom and or Dad, they trod forward under the disguise that this was their choice.

So when they hit their middle to late teens, whatever they've become is a product of what we've done. Sure their are other influences and we can't take responsibility for every choice they made but on the other hand, we didn't exactly set them up for lots of experience choosing either.

One thing I will never do is proclaim that I have parenting figured out nor do I have the key to unlock motivation for a teenage boy or girl. I am challenged daily by the same things everyone else is. From wishing my son were more motivated to get good grades to others in sports, I examine my choices and celebrate success and mourn failures.

One thing I have learned is that when I really try to listen with empathy to a young adult, I get further than I would if I didn't. I and others are so prone to sharing our autobiography with them that we lose them. I find myself stopping when I hear him or her say, "You don't understand." I then reflect back and say "Here is what I understand, I heard you say you...., and that you feel.... and that their is a lot of pressure because.... and that you are not motivated as a result of .... " And then I stop. I look at him. And it is his turn. I might even throw in, "Did I get it right?" Notice that none of this was judging, none of it was prescribing, and none of it was about me.

Sometimes it takes a while to get this down. I so want to share my experiences with my teens. And I try to over and over again with little if any success. It is only when I listen that they feel understood at all and it is from there, that listening actually begins.

Try it the next time you are dealing with a troubled teen. No guarantee that you will solve all the issues, but your relationship will improve and you will improve your connection.

Let me know if you have any teen communication challenges, stories or successes you'd like to share. There has to be a million of them. And you young adults, let's hear it from your end. What do you respect most out of conversations with other adults, friends, etc?