Dealing with Mom

I had a wonderfully pleasant lady in a course of mine recently who was trying to implement improved listening skills. While she practiced she wrote to me asking how she could deal with someone else who just wouldn't listen. This other person would interrupt, listen to reply, and generally never give others a chance to be heard.

I referred back to the core of what I teach, which is that she can only control herself and how she responds to situations. She can't make someone else listen, she chooses how to respond to it. I said in many cases, you choose to not be around someone who is that selfish. She came to me later and divulged that the person was her Mom!!!! She added that choosing to not be around her was not a realistic choice.

So the advise shifts a bit. I asked a few questions first though, "Do you love your Mom?" Did she raise you well?" "Can you think of a list of wonderful things she had done for you over your life?" The answers came back positive. So then, I said, when you get ready to interact with her, think of all those wonderful things and how much you love her. Also acknowledge that she is old and not likely to change her communication style. In fact, she might be very lonely and just wants someone to hear her. You can serve that role for her. If she interrupts, just think to yourself, "Bless her heart, she must be so void of someone who really listens to her." And then be there for her.

It would be nice if not idealistic to think that we could coach her to interact in a more balanced way. My guess is once she is deeply understood, eventually she may do just that. But for the time being make your effort unconditional and with no expectations. You will be serving her well and why not after all the years she spent toiling on your behalf.