Open Door Policy...That's Funny.

I am a manager and one of my favorite sports is poking fun at managers...does that make me bad? Here's a fun one; years ago I was working with a senior executive in the paper industry. He had a reputation for riding people hard and putting them away wet if you know what I mean. I met with him to provide some much needed feedback.

My end in mind was really to help him and hopefully help the many who suffered under him. I asked him, "Who holds up your mirror?" I went on to explain that at his high level, did he get open and honest feedback from anyone? He replied sternly, "I have an open door policy!" I had to explain that a mousetrap is akin to an open door policy but after getting snapped at, if they are lucky enough to escape, they won't likely return. He looked confused and was pretty sure I was calling him a rat.

I'm not sure that guy ever was going to get it but here's the point; as a boss, even a really nice boss; people are hesitant to be critical. Why? With a mean boss, the reason is urban legend and repurcussions. With the nice boss it is the desire to keep it that way and so people rationalize their silence. So what does this mean for any of us?

There are lots of situations where we become the boss. In a marriage at times, with friends, kids, in community situations like church, groups etc. Who really holds up our mirror? And how do we get others to be mirror holders?

We have to make getting feedback a good thing. It won't feel natural at first and we will have to become keenly aware of interventions from ego, pride and other evil elements within. Subdue those buggers and try it for a week. Explain to a number of people you generally trust and admire that you would like them to be a mirror holder for you. You may even elect to have them watch for specific things you are wanting to know. And even with all that, you will have repeatedly ask for the feedback.

As a starter, you may want to select a situation, like a party, a group meeting or something with a defined time line to have others observe and report. When they give you feedback, make a hero out of them no matter what they say. Listen, listen, listen, then probe for clarity only. No explanations, no judgment. You can reserve the right to disagree if you want so the risk is really minimal. Take time to digest their words. And without ego, pride etc. see if there aren't some gold nuggets in there.

If you are really brave, solicit feedback from a critic. They might not be as nice but they'll open the fire hose given half a chance. The key here is to thank them. That will confuse the hell out of them. Then digest all the comments looking for things that might actually have merit. Who'd have thought you could mine gold from a manure pile? Think of it as fertilizer and there must be something in there to help you grow.

Feedback is one of the most talked about topics but one of the least practiced skills. Start slow and build. Let me know how it goes. You don't have to be the boss to get feedback.

My Husband Needed Help

She said, "I get along with his colleague, but he just can't stand him." She was talking about her husband and a co-worker that had driven him to drink. She decided that her husband needed her help. She was a good communicator and had even had some psychology in college. This should be easy. Since she was able to get along with the colleague, she could help her husband find a way to do the same. Sounds easy right?

"It was a disaster," she said. "I tried to listen and then explain to him some different ways of looking at how this guy talks and acts." She went on to say that her husband blew up saying, "Who's side are you on anyway?!" Things went from South to deep South after that. She finally walked away and vowed to never again try to play fixer-upper with her husbands relationships.

Well there's no need to conclude that this is how it is. And if they are to have a solid relationship, giving up on helping out is not an admirable position to take. So let's dissect what happened and what could be done differently going forward.

First, it was not her place to fix her husband or his relationship. Straight up, she went into this with a prescription before she had done a proper diagnosis. To be sure, until her husband really felt understood, he wasn't going to take advice from anyone. I believe she should have acknowledged his emotions of frustration and anger and reflected back what he said was the source. Once acknowledging his emotions, he would eventually talk more deeply about the root reasons why this guy bugged him or the emotions would drain and he would be in a much better frame of mind to consider alternatives.

She could then look for cues as to when he was ready to seek advice. He may even ask at that point. But her initial goal should have been to apply empathy to the point where she could really understand (not necessarily agree or disagree) what he was feeling and why.

Even if she continued to believe that he should take a completely different course of action than he is currently taking, she stands a much better chance of being heard if he thinks she fully understands him. This empathic listening is at the core of deep trust. Think about it, who trusts someone that doesn't care enough to understand how they really feel.

The good news is that this lady really loves her husband and with a little coaching will be ready to try this out next time. And good love always has room for do overs.

Be aware that once the emotion is acknowledged you may have a window to offer suggestions. But don't stop considering how the receiver will hear these suggestions. Keep the empathy train on track. Also consider that as the discussion furthers, the other person may unearth something that drives the emotion back up again. When that happens, back off of the prescriptions and go back to the empathic listening.

Dealing with an emotionally charged person is a real challenge. But when it is someone you care about, be there for them. Give it a try next chance you get and see if it doesn't serve you well.